Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
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My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
ME (calling my horse with no name):
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.