Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
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C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake