How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
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I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Florida man
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
I think about this a lot
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.