got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
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GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
When you’ve simply given up.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance