Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
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They’re the worst 😩
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Optional boss fight.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.