*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
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You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Breaking news:
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys