Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
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The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.