If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
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I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
good work, everybody
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Oh boy, $150,000!
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.