Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
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[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Autocarrot sucks!
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.