10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
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I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.