[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
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FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,