Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle