Meme Monday.
You Might Also Like
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Reporter: *ports again*
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?