I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
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*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.