Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
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Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Can. I. Help. You.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van