when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
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I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion