Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
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ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
seems like a niche market
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.