Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
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Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*