8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
You Might Also Like
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
How it started How it’s going
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.