Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
You Might Also Like
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.