Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
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When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Seems legit
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*