Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
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CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.