VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
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Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
🤣🤣🤣
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.