All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
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odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Ok who’s got my black socks?
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable