7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
You Might Also Like
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!