5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
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My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
get you a girl who
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.