… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
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How long do you have to wait between naps?
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?