My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
You Might Also Like
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no