me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
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*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!