Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
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Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
How dude HOW?!
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
dads on road-trips be like
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
this is funnier than any friends episode
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
This a good idea
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?