I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
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Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Ironic
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT