[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
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i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
How to properly lift a body
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510