“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
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british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that