This is funnier than it should be. 😂
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It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
I have a type: disappointing
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
this will hang in the louvre one day
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked