my fav colour is also hitler
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Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Need this in my life lol
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long