Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
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Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
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