If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
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I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”