Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
You Might Also Like
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Never ghost your hitman.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Support your local cemetery
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker