Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
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Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong