doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
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Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Expect the unexporcupine.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?