“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
You Might Also Like
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?