“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
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why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal