I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
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Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?