Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
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I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
🤣dope
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm