Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
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Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
What I say:
Please donāt jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say ālicense and registrationā at the same time he does and call ājinxā so he canāt say anything else.
You can use the phrase ālickity splitā as much as you want at work and they canāt fire you.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but wonāt touch a thing because they think youāve already been hacked. You havenāt.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
āApparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, āI prefer Stove Top,ā and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.ā
-11pm news, tomorrow night
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
maintenance guy came into the menās room at work and shouted āis anyone in here?ā and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said āwhy?ā
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Donāt judge me because it said āfamily sizeā and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
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English Language: āI before E, except after Cā.
Keith: Thatās not true.
English Language: Donāt make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasnāt had their caffeine lol
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Movies didnāt prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
This white lady just whispered to her husband āthereās so many Asian peopleā… maām this is a flight to Japan
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
People who call the Kentucky Derby āThe Greatest Two Minutes in Sportsā have never seen me have sex.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Letās rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS