[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
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Still cracks me up
starting a garage orchestra
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.