BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
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*orders delivery*
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!