WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
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Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.