They must have gotten it to go.
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Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
He’s cranky this morning
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.