*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
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Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
This squirrel eats better than I do
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too